New Perceptions
by Jubalii
Summary: Talk about sticky situations! Lots of things went wrong on a mission, and now Seras and Alucard have switched their bodies! Alucard's not under Hellsing's control in Seras' body, and they both know that they have to mimic each other to make sure that no one knows what's happened while they search for a counter-spell!
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: **This is my submission to DG's "Seven Deadly Sins Challenge" for Lust month. It also has some 1-Hour Challenge scenes, laid out below for those of you that want to know.

**Scene:** Your couple's bodies get switched! (All powers and skills are transferred with their bodies.)  
**#48:** "If you don't get your eyes off the lady's cleavage, you're not going to live to enjoy it"  
**#56:** "So you think I'm predictable? You think I can't surprise you in any way? Would you like to bet on that?"  
**#62**: "I thought I killed you and it was sending me mad with regret and longing."

I don't own it. Period.

* * *

There were times that Seras Victoria was very angry with herself for not listening to the headmaster when he told her that she would be squandering her potential by joining the police force. She had never doubted her decision for an instant—no, she had wanted to honor her father's memory, and she felt that she'd done so admirably.

But there were times that she wondered if she might have been better as a historian, or a scientist, or even something tame like a politician. Lord knows _politicians _never got into any sort of mess; they just took the public flack while the real workers broke their asses behind the scenes. It was a nice pastime, imagining herself in a calm occupation, living out the rest of her existence in peace. But there were times that she really, _really _wished she had listened.

This was one of those times.

"Alucard, if you don't move your leg this instant, I'm going to be forced to snap it in two!" she hissed, berating herself for ever thinking that police work would be her dream job. This was ridiculous. She twisted at the ropes tying her hands, trying to figure out the knot. Normally she'd have just broken them, but her target tonight just _had _to be intelligent, didn't he?

"Now, now, Police Girl," Alucard crooned, irritating her with his tone by itself. "There's no need to snap." Unlike her, he was standing calmly and not wriggling around, as if he didn't even notice the enchanted bonds holding him against the wooden stake in the middle of the floor. However, his leg did retreat back to his "side" of the stake, leaving her alone.

"That's all very well for you," she scowled. "You've probably been burned at the stake dozens of times. I'd rather not experience it, thank you." She pushed against him, trying to raise her knees up enough that the gravity would slide her out of the ropes. However, the knots were tight and skillfully tied so that no one could escape.

"Actually, I have not," Alucard said with a dark chuckle. "Even vampires are subject to flames, I'm afraid."

"Bullshit. You were lit on fire in Rio, weren't you?" The moment she said that, she realized that it had been nearly a century since it had happened. "The Dandy Man, remember?" she added, hoping to jog his memory in case he needed it.

"I remember," he assured her. "And I also remember being burned along with the Dandy Man. I just pulled myself back together." She gave up for the moment, slumping back against the stake. She threw her head back; tied up back to back like they were, it landed against his shoulder blade. He turned his head slightly, the first movement he had made since being captured.

Seras wondered how the hell she even got into this situation. Potential be damned, Alucard should have been more than able to defeat the vampire while her back was turned, and not have been captured with the enchanted rope! She had been working to free the human hostages, but the minute she had sent them running out the door the rope had come over her head in a noose and tightened, rendering her powers useless.

The vampire had been furious that she'd released his food supply, and had dragged her upstairs to the room with the stake. Alucard had already been there, gazing indifferently at her as she was lashed to the stake opposite him. The vampire had sworn vengeance, but not before running out to see if he could find and capture some of the humans he'd been saving for his next meal.

Left alone, Seras had immediately began her futile efforts to get free while Alucard had stood there quietly, waiting for the vampire to return. Seras had no doubt in her mind that _when _the vampire came back, Alucard would make his move and torture him for a while for putting them through all this. Then he'd kill him because that was the mission, and then they'd torch the place, go home, and go to bed.

She didn't have to be merged with his thoughts to know that this was his plan. That was just the way it had been for the past seventy years. Even after she had chosen her independence and became a full-fledged vampire, he still hadn't changed. It was extremely frustrating to her at times, since he usually chose the same method for each vampire they came across. Frankly, it was getting boring; rather, _Seras_ was getting bored of it. There had to be more to life than going out every night to do the same old thing!

She was shaken out of her thoughts by the sound of footsteps on the stairs. Raising her head off his shoulder blade, she stared at the door with an angry expression. However, the vampire didn't come through the door; instead, a withered old woman toddled through, with a young lady walking along in her wake while staring at a book. They were both dressed in modern clothing.

The old woman stopped dead in her tracks and stared at them for a long moment before coughing and straightening up, her bones creaking. The younger nearly ran into her, but stopped just before hitting her back without letting her eyes off of the book in her hands.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, piercing green eyes glaring at them. Seras frowned and tried to crane her head to get a better glimpse of the woman as she walked around to Alucard. The younger woman, with fiery red curls hanging in her face, looked up from her book finally and gaped at them.

"Where's our beds?" she asked, shutting the book with an audible _thump _and staring around. "Who whittled down the beam and put this bloody stake here?"

"We were tied here and left by a vampire," Seras explained, still trying to see the woman. It didn't occur to her that these might be ordinary humans; they seemed completely unfazed with the entire scene, and her supernatural "senses" were telling her they most certainly were _not_ normal.

The grandmotherly elder came around the other side and plucked at the ropes. The twine hissed and steam escaped, and the old woman licked her fingers and tutted.

"A vampire, you say?" she repeated, staring up into Seras' eyes. "Ah, well. This is what happens when you go on an extended holiday. I was worried about something like this." She poked Seras' uniform with a bony finger, eyeing her pale skin. "Looks like you're vampires yourself, my dear." She stared at Alucard's back. "Your… husband?" Seras snorted.

"Coworker and former master," she corrected. The old woman "aahed" and nodded before turning and motioning to the younger.

"Come here, Coralline." The redhead obediently stepped forward, albeit cautiously. "This is a good lesson for you. Even with all of my protection spells, some vampire managed to bungle his way in here and tied up these two others." The old woman snapped her fingers in the younger's face, which had a certain dreamy air to it as she stared at Seras.

"Pay attention!" the old woman hissed. "How are you ever going to pass your preliminaries if you keep spacing out when I'm talking to you?" The younger made a face.

"I highly doubt vampires are going to be on the preliminaries, Gram." The elder groaned and rubbed her temples.

"It's never too late to learn about the different sorts of creatures in this world. It may _not _be on your preliminaries, but every seasoned spellcaster knows how to deal with the undead." She sighed and looked closely at the ropes again, studying the spells but making sure to not touch the binds again. "So, vampire, have you and your _coworker _been hiding up in here too?"

"No, we're from the Hellsing Organization," Seras began, and the woman looked up sharply.

"Hellsing, eh? I had a nice run-in with them in 1951. Didn't see them again until that whole fiery London business a few decades ago. So they're still around, are they?"

"Yes, ma'am," Seras said politely, letting her study the ropes. If this witch was able to take care of these bonds, who was she to be rude? After all, they were apparently in _her _house.

"Back in my day, the two agents were a young human and a vampiress. I always did like that hat of hers. She was a strange one, though the boy was a nice enough fellow. He got me out of a tight spot with some Nazis, but later on I was audited for not showing up in court and they tracked me down." the old woman rattled on, wiggling her fingers and snapping a few times, and even wrinkling her nose once.

"So what does Hellsing do?" the younger witch asked curiously, throwing her book on a rickety table in the corner before coming closer, emboldened by the elder's lack of fear. Seras watched her a moment before answering.

"We take care of rouge supernatural creatures. It's our job to make sure that humans don't know about what's really out there." The younger girl nodded, understanding completely. She took out a pack of gum from her jeans pocket and popped one in her mouth, offering the pack to Seras a moment later. Seras shook her head. "Are you a witch like her?" she asked, nodding down to the woman at her waist, muttering under her breath as she held her hands over the bonds.

"No!" the younger girl exclaimed in surprise. "Witches are _bad_. They're the ones that go wrong." Seras winced and Alucard muffled a laugh at her expense.

"Oh, sorry. I've never seen any sort of magical person before. I just know of vampires and werewolves and the like." The older woman looked up with a frown for the younger girl.

"Don't be rude, Coralline. Not everyone grows up in a spellcasting family." She straightened back up with a muffled groan. "I'm a _Mage_, and a high-ranking one at that. My family is been a major influence in the spellcasting world for over three centuries," she said with pride. "This is my granddaughter—I was worried that I'd be dead before another spellcaster was born in the family. Sometimes it skips generations, you see. But Coralline here is now my apprentice, and she's working hard to pass her Sorcery Advancement Preliminary and become a Mage-in-Training, aren't you, Coralline?"

"Sure am, Gram," the young lady replied apathetically, popping a bubble with a smack of her jaws. The grandmother sighed again and shook her head before returning to the bonds.

"There are some heavy spells on this rope. I'm afraid our intruder knew what he was doing. This will need to be Unbound." Seras frowned at her. "Don't worry, my dear. This is a Level Two spell, very easy. In fact," the woman said slyly, looking at her granddaughter, "Coralline, come perform the Unbinding Spell on this rope."

"But Gram!" the woman whined, looking with a blush at Alucard, who had been watching her pop her gum with an angry glare. "You can do it twice as fast!"

"I don't care who does it," Seras cut in. "Just get us out of here! There are humans running around out there, and we need to go!" She looked back at Alucard. "I guess we can't burn their house down, can we?" she whispered over his shoulder.

"We certainly can," he replied scathingly as the younger girl groaned and popped her gum again. The old woman jumped in surprise at the words.

"Don't you dare!" she howled, stomping around to his side. "If humans were killed here, burning the house down will only turn their souls into Haunts! I'll need to perform a few spells of Release and Reform first. Otherwise, they'll never move on to the afterlife."

"How is that my problem?" Alucard replied, and the woman swore hard enough to make Seras and her granddaughter blush simultaneously.

"I refuse to become a witch!" the grandmother said. "I took an oath to help others in need, and to use my powers for healing instead of killing. If you want to burn the house down, fine. But you're going to let me do those spells first, or I swear I'll turn you a thousand ways with a spell that will have you begging for me to kill you!"

"My good woman," Alucard purred with a malevolent grin, "I think you'll find that a simple spell doesn't scare me. I can pull myself together just as easily as you can tear me apart." Seras elbowed him in the kidneys as best she could; she didn't need him starting a fight with the person who could free him. She couldn't see the woman's face from where she stood, but there was a long moment of silence before the mage answered.

"I don't mean physical pain, sir." The old woman was quiet, nearly calm with her threats. "I can make you relieve every bad thing you've done in your life—yes, I can see the past in your eyes; you've caused horrors in your existence that stem from nightmares themselves—I can also force you to feel remorse from those things, to feel the pain that you wrought when you ripped children from their mother's arms, to know the agony of dying a slow death again and again." Seras shivered against his back; whatever the woman was seeing, she didn't want to know about it.

"I can take you back to that day, where you lost everything. I can make you relieve it a thousand times, each time more vivid than the last. I could do it, Count, and not be a witch. It would be for the good of your soul that you know the pain you gave others. I could do it all in the name of redemption," the woman continued softly. Seras felt the danger in the air, and heard the hiss of magic from the ropes as Alucard sought his powers. She twisted as far as she could, calling out to the woman.

"Please!" she cried, and heard the tears in her voice. She fought them back and spoke again, in a calmer tone. "Please, just release us from these bonds. What does that have to do with anything?! Just…let us go. Please." The woman returned to her side, hobbling along, and looked at her harshly. Seras returned the gaze, pleading with her eyes for the old mage to say no more. There wasn't any need for it.

"Young lady," the mage began, her blue eyes more piercing than ever. Seras felt as if those eyes could see every thought, could see deep into her soul, into every memory. She was unable to look away. She licked her lips, trying to hold back the stream of emotions that the mage's threats had aroused in her heart. But even though she stayed silent outwardly, she felt as if the woman was seeing it all just the same as if she'd been shouting it at the top of her lungs.

"Fine then," the woman said with a small smile after a long moment. "I don't have a blooming stone heart. You can go, as soon as my lazy granddaughter gets on with this Unbinding Spell." The girl, who had been standing with her mouth open throughout the entire argument, gum threatening to fall out of her mouth, jumped to attention and picked her book back up, flipping to a page near the front.

"Unbin—oh, here it is." Coralline stared hard at the book before looking imploringly at her grandmother. "Gram, c'mere and hold the book. It says you need both hands."

"You should have the bases for Level Two spells memorized!" the old mage scolded, but made her way over and held the book up to the side. The ginger girl lifted both her hands over the bindings and took a deep breath, steadying herself.

"So, are there magic words involved?" Seras asked inquisitively, trying to see the book. The grandmother laughed heartily.

"Words aren't magic!" she hooted. "It's just plain Latin. The magic is our own. If you were to read these spells, nothing would happen. Even spells written out, like the one on your Count's runes, have to have true magic behind them, or else they're not effective at all." The ginger glared at them huffily before taking another breath and trying again, her fingers splayed.

"I need silence for this," she assured Seras. "I'm nervous enough as it is." Before Seras could ask, she made a "shh" sound and began to chant. "_Magica Nigra, egredere_!" There was a flash of power that Seras felt, making every hair on her body stand on end. Alucard tensed slightly, and she felt the need to grab his hand in her own. She reached for him and felt the edges of his fingers, linking her pinkie with his forefinger. She felt him turn questioningly and pressed into him, seeking the comfort of knowing she wasn't alone in this.

"_Non alligabis haec animi—no, ah-animam!" _the girl stumbled and gasped, looking up with wide eyes. "Uh oh." The grandmother opened her mouth with an angry expression, but Seras couldn't hear whatever she said. All of a sudden, there was a _**whoosh**_ in her ears that blocked out all other sound, rattling her brain. She shut her eyes, the swirling world making her too dizzy. Her lungs felt compressed, she couldn't breathe; she couldn't open her eyes or move a muscle, even if she wanted to. She couldn't feel Alucard's finger, or her body pressed against the uncomfortable stake, or him.

Then, as quickly as the first had come, her ears popped as _**voosh**__! _She opened her eyes and gasped, her voice sounding dry and husky. She coughed, suddenly feeling off-balance and strange. She looked up, her mouth agape and her brain puzzled. Everything was suddenly cast in an off-color glow, and she was certain that the fireplace had been on the other side of the room. She felt stiff, as if she'd been standing in one place a long time. She moved her leg to stretch it and immediately slipped, her body somehow feeling too big for her movements. If the stake hadn't been holding her up, she'd have slid clear to the floor.

She turned to find the mages, looking at them with a bewildered frown.

"What happened? Did I lose consciousness?" Her voice sounded strange—deep and resonating. "Hey, that spell didn't even work! I'm still…all…tied…up." She faltered, looking down. Instead of her crimson police uniform and the Hellsing insignia on her pocket, her boots and her long leggings; there was a black vest, red overcoat, riding boots and black leggings. "W-what?!"

"What the hell did you do to me!?" Seras started, because the voice that said those words…was her own! She twisted franticly to see behind her, but the most she could see was a flash of blonde hair. The grandmother moved, uttering syllables more quickly than could be heard. The ropes immediately fell away and Coralline moved back against the wall, her hands over her open mouth and tears welling up in her blue eyes.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" she repeated endlessly, like a broken record. Without the ropes holding her up, Seras slumped to the ground and a red hat flopped off her head, rolling lazily on the dusty floor before coming to a stop near the fireplace. She forced her arms to move underneath her, finding that every move was easier than the last. She was getting the hang of this!

"Fix it," Seras heard her voice again, and managed to pull herself into a sitting position. Looking around, she gaped as she saw her own body, eyes flashing with anger and shadows swirling around as it marched towards the two mages. "Fix it _now_." Her body seemed to have trouble moving as well, stumbling slightly and trying to make strides longer than her legs were.

"I don't know _how_," the elderly mage replied, whopping her granddaughter on the back of the head with the book in punctuation with every word. "You _idiot_, you've just made a new spell! What did I tell you about saying things with conviction!?"

"I flubbed up!" the girl cried, shielding her head from the blow with her hands. "But I couldn't stop and start over! I panicked!" The grandmother tsked.

"Yes and now look what a mess of things you made! You didn't unbind their bodies, you unbound their _minds_! Now their souls are in the wrong bodies, and I don't know how to fix it!" She bit her lip and stared at Seras, whose shell-shocked mind was just now beginning to realize that she was in Alucard's body, and he was in _her _body! "This will have to be reported to the board, and studied. Then, perhaps we can reverse the spell."

"How long will that take?" Alucard asked, the danger still coming through even with his new, feminine voice. The mage shook her head and shrugged.

"Two days to a week, at least. It depends on how fast we can find the right phrases to unlock the mess we've just made."

"Weeks!?" Alucard roared, and looked over at Seras, who had managed to stand and was now attempting a strange shuffle over to where they all stood, trying to learn how to walk on legs that were too long. "We don't have _weeks_, woman!"

"Calm down," the mage said. "We'll get in touch with the board, and Hellsing will know the minute we find the counter spell."

"Until then, what are we supposed to do?" This was from Seras, who winced again at hearing her own unsure tone come out in Alucard's voice. It sounded so strange. The mage shrugged again.

"Get along as best you can, I suppose. I—" She was cut off by the return of the vampire, who thundered up the stairs and burst into the room. At seeing his two attackers unbound, and the two women back from their holiday, his eyes widened. However, he pounced immediately on the younger girl, who screamed and fought back in vain with her fists, all magic she may have known forgotten in her panic. Her grandmother hesitated; clearly not wanting to put her granddaughter in any added danger by casting spells willy-nilly at the vampire. Alucard turned on his heel, losing his balance in Seras' body and falling against the wall.

"The Jackal; use the Jackal!"

"Right!" Seras reached into the overcoat, fumbling around until her fingers found the handle of the gun she was looking for. Pulling it out, she immediately paused and stared stupidly at it, trying to decide how to work it the best way. It was kind of heavy….

"_Shoot it_!" Seras stared at him with a sheepish smile, shrugging. Alucard pushed himself off the wall and stumbled over to her, nearly falling on Seras' new body. Breasts squished against her torso and she let out a breath as the wind was nearly knocked out of her with the impact.

_So that's what boobs feel like to a man…_, she thought absently as Alucard pulled the Jackal from her fingers, and immediately his hands dropped to the floor. She realized that her slender body didn't have the muscle mass he did, and he was trying to throw the hefty gun around with muscles he no longer had. He could _lift _it of course—after all, she carried an anti-tank cannon around on a daily basis—but the balance was all off.

He pulled the gun up, resting it on his forearm, and shot once. It hit the vampire's heart straight on, but also blew him into the opposite wall. Seras fumbled her way over to him and yanked up by his (her?) arm, balancing herself with one hand against the wall. The vampire screamed and fell into ash, which coated the young mage and left her shaken and gritty.

"Alucard, are you alright?" she asked, brushing her body off with his hands. It was the weirdest thing she'd ever done, hands-down. He stared at his own hands, and then up at his face. She beamed at him, showing her teeth, and saw his face reflected back in her eyes, which were widened to the point of absurdity as he tried to fathom what his face looked like with such a big, bright grin.

"Am I alright?" he hissed, pushing her hands away and crossing his arms, finding that her breasts were in the way. His arms flopped back to his sides and his face took on a lost expression. "This is utterly ridiculous."

"I agree." She paused. "Hey, I wonder if I can summon hellhounds now." She held out her hands and strained, but nothing happened no matter how much she envisioned drooling, snapping shadows. Alucard shook his head and waved his hand absently, and a whirling mass of shadow arose from between the floorboards and snarled before disappearing.

Seras gasped and then looked at him, before looking down at her own hands, where the runes on his gloves shone in the moonlight. If he was in her body, without the runes holding back his powers…. He seemed to come to the same conclusion, and smiled darkly at her. Seras shivered at the sight of the malicious expression on her own features.

"We mustn't let Sir Integra know about this little mishap, mustn't we?" he purred, and Seras wrinkled her nose. Her voice wasn't meant to do that. It sounded creepy. However, she agreed with him. He wouldn't be stupid enough to throw his power around while in her body; who knew if she could handle it? And she wouldn't be stupid enough to let anyone know that she _wasn't _Alucard, and he wasn't her.

"No, let's not," she agreed verbally with a fierce nod. The sunglasses slid down her nose and she pushed it up before turning to the mages. "Are _you _alright?" The grandmother nodded, patting the younger's head as she sobbed into the woman's blouse.

"Nothing a little sweeping and a soothing cup of tea won't fix," she assured them. Seras nodded again, this time taking care to keep it under control.

"Alright. We're going back now. We have a report to make, and dawn…"she glanced out the window. "Dawn is not far off. Please, let's not involve Hellsing. I think that if a week is all it will take, there's not any need to get the government involved." She tried to make her voice sound like Alucard's normally did, with the signature velvety tone. It worked better than she had hoped—it sounded a lot like him. _I guess all those years of mimicking his voice to tease Sir Integra paid off in the end. _

"Alright," the old woman said hesitantly. "If you really think that's best." Alucard stepped forward.

"Send your man with news, when you find the cure. I give you one week before I come find you myself." His threats were dampened a little by his new short stature and cute looks. The woman shrugged and he hissed before Seras pushed him out the door, dreading finding a way to use the stairs.

She could still hardly walk as it was.

* * *

They had a hard time convincing Sir Integra that nothing was up. Seras refused to speak at all, and Alucard had to try and mimic his smaller counterpart's chipper tone. He managed to make it sound like Seras was rather depressed, but after a thorough questioning the old heiress let the matter rest. She was in her nineties, and didn't have much strength left to argue with anyone, although her mind was still as bright as it had been when she was a young woman.

She gave them orders to make sure the men that ran the government side of things (chiefly the younger Sir Irons) got the proper paperwork, and then left them to their own devices. Alucard immediately made his way to his chamber and slumped down in his chair, finding out with increasing frustration that his feet no longer touched the floor when he sat in the chair. He hissed and then saw his own body pause in the doorway, another sad smile on its face.

"Ah—um, my coffin," Seras began in his voice, making it sound weaker than it ever should have, "My coffin isn't big enough for me now. My—your feet, I mean… they hang over the edge." She inched questioningly towards his coffin, stopping when he hissed warningly at her.

"_I _will sleep in my coffin, Police Girl," he warned her, growling as his new voice became shrill in his anger. He didn't like this, not one bit. Being a female was not easy when he had the body of one before, but _now_, he didn't even have a body built to his specifications! He was loaning a body from Seras, and he was having a lot of trouble trying to work it properly. It was hard to learn new ways, and that's why he kept the form he had in his human lifetime. It just made things all the easier.

"What amI supposed to do, then!?" she whined, her hands on her hips. Alucard got the faintest notion that _that _is what he would like if he had been a homosexual. "C'mon, let me sleep with you, or you sleep in my bed and I'll sleep in yours!" she pouted. "Besides, I thought we were making sure that nobody knew. I wouldn't be sleeping in your coffin if everything was normal."

She did have a point. Alucard sighed, but stood and made his way out of the room in a huff. He'd have to deal with her room, and her belongings, and her meager supply of blood. He'd have to take extra from the packets she'd get every night, the sort he normally drank. He opened her bedroom door and looked around at the furnishings with a suppressed snarl.

He opened her coffin and the smell of foreign soil drifted to his nose, making him shiver slightly. He was going to get tired of this fast. He paused, remembering her words. He'd have to act this entire week like the normal Seras did. He cringed—he'd have to talk to the soldiers like he cared about them.

_Cross that bridge when I come to it_, he thought absently. Right now, he tried to think about his Police Girl. She kept most of her human ways. What did humans do before bed? He thought of waking her up sometimes when she slept late. She had those bedclothes that they wear; that's right. Humans didn't sleep naked like they used to. They had clothes especially for sleeping purposes. Why, he'd never know; it was a waste of cloth.

He looked around at her drawers before choosing one at random. No, these were undergarments. Closing it, he went down a drawer. _Ah, here we are_. He pulled out the clothes and then made sure the door was shut. He paused as he reached the halfway point of the outer crimson shirt. He turned and looked in the mirror at her body, taking a deep breath. If he was to change into her bedclothes, he'd have to see her naked body.

He imagined the outraged shrieks that would accost his ears if she thought about him seeing her naked. It wasn't a big deal to him; it was nothing he hadn't seen before. Except…it _was _something he'd never seen before. He'd seen many females, but not her. Even when he'd brought her back from Cheddar, Sir Integra had argued for twelve minutes with Walter before shutting them both out to change Seras out of her bloodstained police uniform. He'd never seen her body without some sort of covering on, even that one time where she'd been sleeping in a bra because her pajama shirt was stained.

He thought for a moment. The temptation was almost too great. But he was above that; she was a weak little Police Girl who had a very alluring body, but nothing more. Besides, he still had his powers. He closed his eyes, summoning his shadows, and a moment later the bedclothes were out of his hands and on his body. Her body. He threw her crimson uniform in a pile in the corner of the floor, and frowned. Her teeth felt slimy. Even he brushed his teeth, so that wouldn't be an issue finding her toothbrush.

He stepped into her bathroom and found it, looking at his reflection in the mirror. Her face stared stoically back at him, and he tried to force a smile that looked as though she was normal. It looked like she was in pain, so he stopped. He heaved a sigh and scratched his stomach, quickly brushing his teeth and running his hands through her hair, stopping to marvel at the softness of it, and the freedom of running his hands through her hair without the confining gloves on.

_I should look at her body, just to be able to touch it without gloves_. But he frowned and dismissed the thought; he didn't care. He shouldn't care—he wasn't going to touch her with his gloves back on anytime soon. She was beneath him.

No matter how much he lusted after her, she would _always _be beneath him.

* * *

_Ha-ha! I can finally touch the bottom! _Seras sat happily in the large chair, reveling in the fact that her feet now sat firmly on the ground. She'd sat in his chair before, but her tiny body was dwarfed by it. Now she lazed languidly, looking at a small hand mirror she'd found on a chest that held what little clothing he possessed. She'd gone through it looking for pajamas, but he didn't seem to own any. She'd gotten distracted by the hand mirror, and had decided to look again when she finally became sleepy.

She smiled and laughed and made silly faces, just to see what it would look like if Alucard actually did those things. Smiling looked a little strange, but it made his face seem younger and she wished he would really do it more often. His laugh startled her too; it wasn't like the evil cackle he had when destroying enemies. It was much more lighthearted and made her feel happy just to hear it.

_Hmm… I have to go to the bathroom. I hope he __**has **__a bathroom. _She stood up and tried the wooden door she'd noticed earlier when looking for the pajamas. True to her thoughts, it was a bathroom startlingly similar to her own. She was about to drop her pants and sit when she stopped herself. _Wait, I can't sit. Men don't sit when they piss because they—_she paused, her face draining all color.

_Because they have a…._She stared down at her crotch, gulping and blushing darkly. In order to use the bathroom, she'd have to drop her pants and see…and hold….

"O-oh dear."

* * *

**Afterword:** Hahaha! Poor Seras. Unfortunately for her, she'll probably get more than an eyeful! Or maybe, fortunately for her? ;3

Be honest. If you were in someone else's body, you'd be totally off balance. Their center of gravity would be different, and you'd be lost. Even Alucard can't stop physics. (Well, maybe some physics, but not all.)

*I am not, by any means, proficient in Latin. It's probably wrong, in so many ways.*


	2. Chapter 2

_Curse these breasts! _Of all the things Alucard thought to say in his time on Earth, this was far, far down on the list. He found that they impeded nearly everything he tried to do—dressing, eating, sleeping, even just finding a comfortable spot on the spongy mattress of his Police Girl's coffin. He snarled his anger at them and was about to shout in frustration when he heard timid knocking at the door.

Crawling out of the coffin, he stomped to the door in his bare feet, tripping once or twice on the stone. He couldn't get the hang of the vampiress's shorter stride, so different from his normal way of walking. He finally made it to the door without falling flat on his face and swung it open; schooling his face into the neutral expression he hoped looked like a sleepy Draculina. It immediately dissolved into annoyance when he saw his body standing there, a bashful grimace on its face.

"Ah, erm…" Seras began, wringing her hands and looking away. He started as color flooded his cheeks in a blush. "How-how are you getting along?" She twisted her leg and laughed awkwardly, leaning on the edge of the doorframe.

"What do you want, Police Girl?!" he hissed. "I'm trying to sleep!"

"Oh, are you?" she asked needlessly. He glared up at her.

"Have I not donned the customary sleeping garments you modern people seem to be unable to live without?" She frowned down at him, a strange expression for him to see. It didn't happen often that he came in contact with someone taller than himself.

"What? You don't have any pajamas?" she asked incredulously. "What do you sleep in?"

"I sleep in my coffin," he snapped. "I don't need attire." She shuddered visibly, cheeks turning redder. The color was an uncanny match to his long coat.

"Oh my," she whispered, seemingly to herself. He poked her in the ribs and she doubled, wincing.

"_What _do you _want_?" he repeated, losing every bit of patience he had. It had been a trying night, and he was ready to get some sleep. She cleared her throat, looking over his head with a sense of helplessness.

"I… I have to go to the bathroom," she admitted in a small voice. He blinked at her uncomprehendingly.

"I have a private lavatory, same as you," he told her bluntly. She shook her head and ducked until the red cheeks were hidden in shadow.

"I can't use it….because, uhm…" she paused, looking away. "I can't go because men don't sit." He stared at her another moment, this time understanding her, but dumbfounded that such a simple reason was preventing her from going to do her bodily function.

"Police Girl," he growled, unable to keep a level tone with her. "Even the most naïve virgin _could not _be more innocent than you," he declared. "Just do what you have to do." She twisted again, crossing her legs and shaking her head, lips tight.

"I can't!" she half-whined. "I am _not_ touching your you-know-whats! That's just… it's _wrong_, Alucard!" she blurted, gazing at him imploringly.

"What do you want me to do about it?!" he barked. Her voice echoed down the hall and he cringed, continuing in a more hushed tone. "I can't visit the lavatory _for you_." She groaned.

"Look, I've never been a boy before. Just tell me what my other options are!" she pleaded. He rolled his eyes.

"Go outside," he answered, pushing her out of the doorframe and slamming the door.

"Alucard!" she yelped, her voice muffled by the metal.

"Good day, Police Girl!" he called back, going back to her coffin and trying to lay flat on his stomach. He nearly suffocated, feeling as though his ribs were being pushed through his back. Flopping onto his back, he scowled at the coffin lid.

_It's going to be a long day._

* * *

_I can't believe it's come to this._

She knew that Alucard was being an impatient dyke, and his command to go outside was no more doable than him being able to use the bathroom for her. He was probably having his own issues, she surmised. After all, he didn't want to be in her body any more than she wanted to be in his.

But that didn't mean he could just leave her hanging! After all, he'd been a girl before, long ago. Walter had told her stories. But she had never been anything other than a woman. Not a boy and most definitely not a _man_! There were clear differences!

She wrenched the two faucets of the shower, and made a sound of disgust as rusty water poured out. "What the hell?" she muttered. "Doesn't he bathe?!" Thinking back, she remembered that whenever he got dirty in battle, his shadows wiped him clean. She shivered, thinking back to how many years he could have went without a bath using that technique.

"Well, no matter. While _I'm _in his body, he's going to feel and smell clean," she announced to the air, watching until the stream of water stopped sputtering and the red-tinged color faded away to clear water. She licked her lips and began to undress, throwing the clothes on the dusty tile. She paused at the gloves before sliding them off with an air of surprise. _Oh, so they are removable. _

The gloves came off easily enough, and she threw them on the dingy counterpane before gazing at his bare hands. The seals were burned into the back of his palms; ugly, raised, blackened scars. She frowned, touching the edges gingerly with the pads of her fingers. "These look like they hurt pretty badly," she said to herself. She felt a twinge of pity for the man stuck in her body; there were still a lot of things that he had never told her about his past, and while she made an effort not to pry sometimes moments like these were inevitable.

She tested the water until it met her satisfaction, and then pulled off her pants with the disassociated air of a nursemaid, her eyes firmly set on the tile of the shower wall. She managed to remove them and his underwear without looking down once, and threw them behind her on the growing pile.

She bit her lip, her eyes flitting towards the floor before coming back almost immediately. It was incredibly tempting to just glance down, but it didn't feel right to look. After all, this was not her body and she owed it to Alucard to give him as much privacy as she could, even under these strange circumstances. She could only hope he'd given her the same in return, even if he had managed to change into her pajamas.

She stepped into the shower and shut the glass door, standing under the spray. She didn't want to have to do this, but she felt as though she had no other choice. "After all," she told herself quietly, "I can always scrub his shower down later. He might not use it, but for all its purposes I'm not going to leave it like this." She gulped and purposefully looked up; closing her eyes as she grit her teeth and voided her bladder.

She finished and sighed, feeling a thousand times better. Man or woman, holding it for long periods of time just _wasn't _comfortable. She looked around for shampoo, and found nothing. She had a bar of soap she'd managed to find underneath the sink, but there was no shampoo! Sighing, she ran her hands through the hair and scratched the scalp with her nails, working as much water into it as she could. "I'll have to remember to get shampoo tomorrow."

Eventually, she decided that she could do no more with his hair, and grabbed the bar of soap. Lathering it in her hands, she made quick work of washing her face and turned to the water to clean it, scrubbing with her palms. Shaking her head, she took a breath and grabbed the soap once more, beginning at the neck and working her way down.

_Oh… wow, talk about muscles_, she thought absently as she lathered up arms and chest alike. Even if she was in a man's body, she still had a female's mind, and she couldn't help but notice how detailed he was. _There's not a spare inch of body fat on him. Incredible_, she sighed, before flushing bright red again. She shouldn't be thinking about this! What was she, some type of pervert?!

She stood under the spray a minute, letting the soap run down her legs. After a moment, she cautiously raised one foot out in front of her, gaging the cleanliness of the limb. Did she really want to risk lathering up his legs, too? After all, that meant bending down and she had already used every ounce of her tact. Maybe once she dressed, she could find some finger nail clippers, and a file. He looked in dire need of a pedicure.

She raised the leg higher, trying to peer in the dim light of the shower. Water and soap slid under her foot, and she was still not entirely balanced in the man's slim body. She slipped with a shriek, slamming into the side of the shower. Trying to catch her balance, she grabbed for the wall and her fingers slipped on the slick tiles. She landed on her back, head cracking as it hit the floor. She saw stars, her vision fading to black for a moment. She floundered, water falling into her mouth as she scrabbled to get off her back.

"Ow, ow, _ow!_" she whimpered, managing to sit up. She sat in the water, clutching the back of her head and gritting her teeth. That _hurt_! She drew her knees to her chest, gingerly prodding the sore spot and feeling through the hair. It was hard to tell if there was blood, since she was already wet.

"Oh, this just isn't fair!" she whispered fiercely to herself, wrapping her new, way-too-long arms around her knees and sighing. It _wasn't _fair. She didn't ask for this! Now she couldn't even take a damn shower without falling down and breaking her head open like a melon. And to top it off, she didn't even get Alucard's amazing healing prowess—she had to make do with her own measly powers.

Sniffing, she turned off the water and stood up shakily, getting out of the shower stall and rubbing her face. She was tired, and sore, and now her head hurt. Not to mention Alucard wasn't being much help. He was probably going to get along much better in her body. He always managed to do things better than she could.

"I hate this. I _hate this_!" she muttered, brushing wet, lanky strands of black hair out of her eyes. She hated his stupid body, hated that her voice was all deep and resonating now, and she hated that his body was not the perfect place for a pity-party after all.

She looked his reflection in the mirror, sopping wet and teary-eyed with a sad frown on his face. She wanted to punch it. As she kept staring at it, the fact that the _real _Alucard would never look like that, coupled with the borderline-hilarious expression itself, made her start to smile despite herself. She shook her head, feeling her emotions bubbling inside her body like a forceful brew.

"What the hell is up with me?" she half-laughed. "I feel like I have PMS or something." She grabbed her towel and started forcefully rubbing her hair, trying to get it dry. Without shampoo, it was a different texture than usual, but she didn't mind so much. She rubbed her body, looking towards the ceiling as she hoisted her legs up (this time with her back against the wall; she wasn't falling again).

Finally she wrapped the towel around her waist and crept into the main room, casting glances to make sure no one was in the room. It was a habit, something she did every night getting out of the shower and walking into her bedroom. Of course, no one would dare enter Alucard's room uninvited, and it was as empty as ever. The dusty swirls of dawn shining through the high windows and on the gray walls gave it a rather lonely look.

Halfway across the room, she remembered his earlier words. _I sleep in my coffin_. Oh, that's right; he didn't own pajamas. That's why she couldn't find any before. She frowned, scratching her drying hair and thinking. She didn't want to sleep in a towel. Finally she decided to just put on the pants she'd been wearing before. She could sleep without a shirt.

She turned and went back to the bathroom, re-donning the necessary garments with the same nursemaid air. She padded back to the chair and sat down, smacking her hands on her knees in a pattern. She knew that Alucard usually slept in his chair—should she do it do, just in case someone came in? Or should she go to the coffin?

She looked over her around the edge of the chair at the coffin. She would feel better there, but would that send a red flag to Sir Integra should she venture down to the basement? No, sleeping the way Alucard _usually_ slept would be best. She bit her lip, leaning on her elbow on the side of the chair. She twisted, trying to get comfortable. She used her arms as a pillow, smushed down against the arm of the chair.

_Oh, it's going to be a __**long **__day._

* * *

Alucard stared down at his body, an incredulous look plastered across his face. He never thought he'd have been able to get into such a position. His body was curled up in the chair like a small dog, head twisted nearly ninety degrees, cheek rested against the back of the chair while his bare feet dangled off one of the arms.

The contorted position didn't help her dreams, either—or so it seemed. He leaned in, brushing his bangs back to see the almost-panicked look on his face. Was she having a nightmare? She jerked away from his touch unconsciously, and he heard a soft cry from his throat, almost a whimper or a muffled sob. He frowned; he wanted to leave, but the reason he came down here in the first place was pressing on his psyche like a dead weight.

He prodded her, finger pushing on her sternum. She jerked away again, and he grabbed both shoulders and began to shake her insistently.

"Police Girl… Police Girl! Seras!" he muttered in her ear, one ear listening for the telltale footsteps of his master on the hallway stairs. "Wake up!" Her eyes flew open and he ducked as she threw a punch right where his head had been, screaming bloody murder. He growled crossly as she flung herself away from him, looking around with wide, frightened eyes.

She focused on him, taking a ragged breath and then her eyes became pained as she grabbed the back of her neck, wincing. Her shoulders slumped and she let out a heavier breath, tears coming to her eyes. He knew what that look meant too well—the relief that came with understanding that you were safe, that the horrors you saw in your dreams were not with you in the waking hours.

"Police Girl!" he snarled, and she shuddered, shaking her head and rubbing her hands across her face and hair.

"I—I dreamed some crazy guy was gonna kill me," she told him breathlessly. "Some weirdo… dressed like—" She paused, thinking back to her dream. "Dressed like you," she finished slowly.

"A small blonde in a police uniform was trying to kill you?" he replied dryly, arching one brow. "Hardly nightmare material." She blinked at him for a moment before chuckling nervously, wiping her eyes. He shook his head, keeping his concerns to himself. Was she seeing his memory? How? She was still Seras, even in another's body. A side-effect of the awry spell, perhaps? Well, it couldn't be helped now.

"Come, Seras. My master calls me, and you have to go up there." She stared uncomprehendingly at him.

"H-how do you know?" she asked, still clearly sleepy.

"The same way I always know!" he snapped, grabbing her wrists and focusing his powers on his body. He dressed her, fixing her up and making her look the way he did each night. It was done with before she could protest, and she took off the glasses for a moment, staring at them before putting them back on carefully. "Now go up there!"

"O-okay," she said doubtfully, standing and managing to stay upright without wobbling this time. He grabbed the back of her coat as she moved to the door.

"You're not going to go running through the halls like a fool!" he ordered, voice cold like ice. "You'll do as I do and phase up there." She turned, cringing. She tried and failed, her body only going fuzzy before she let out a frustrated breath.

"I'm nervous!" she protested when he bared his teeth in sheer annoyance at her incompetence. "Come on, boost me a bit." He shook his head, but his master's call won out and he moved close, grabbing his body's waist and pushing it into a black void, Sir Integra's study in mind.

He hoped she could hold up a conversation with the woman. They had worked together for decades, barring his "thirty-year-holiday", as Seras called it. Surely she knew him enough to answer the heiress's questions in a proper manner. Didn't she? He thought to his pre-bedtime routine. He hadn't known much about her after all, other than what he'd noted from waking her up. Perhaps they didn't know much about each other after all.

He sat in his chair, feet dangling, one hand on his chin. If they were to last a week, they'd have to learn more about each other's mannerisms than what they knew from missions alone. He thought as he waited for the assignment that was undoubtedly waiting for them both.

It seemed like a few lessons were in order.

* * *

**Afterword:** Hello, everyone! If you've seen my Tumblr account, you know that I had gallbladder surgery last week. All is well, and I am now trying to finish up a few things I'd been working on. Hopefully, I'll be posting more stuff soon! Until then, have this!


End file.
